Overdramatic title much! I’ve never really been that kind of person who has their entire future lined up in front of them. Being a child, I never really knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. It was something different everyday: teacher, nurse, author, psychologist. To be honest, nothing has changed. I still don’t know what I want to do with mu future. When we had to decide what to study at university last year, I first wanted to do a teaching course. Then it changed to social work, then to midwife (yes, really). In the end I decided to go for psychology as I was (and stil lam) really interested in the subject. I was so excited for the course to start, but last December/January I decided to quit. It just didn’t feel right and I wasn’t enjoying it as much as I thought I would, and I just couldn’t picture myself doing something Psychology-related as my job. So I quit, went back home to live with my parents again and got a job.
This was a really hard time for me. I felt like such a disappointment to both myself and my parents and I hated that I didn’t know what to do with my future, contrary tos ome of my friends. I felt (and still feel a little bit) like a loser. Even though I worked, I was in a constant battle with myself and I got really, really down about not doing something productive with my life. I’m somebody who really has to evolve and move forward and I could never see myself doing a dead-end job for the rest of my life. I need goals to work for, and even though you might not be able to tell, I’m quite an ambitious person and am willing to work really hard for something I really want. But that was the problem; I still don’t really know what I want.
This was also a time when I felt very, very lonely. I felt like all my friends were moving forward and I was just in the same place, not really doing anything. In that time, I really wanted to do a journalism course, but I think that was just because I love writing and didn’t really knew anything else to do. As you may know, I’m a big feelings person, and something about that choice just didn’t feel right. I thought it were just nerves, but when I went to my old uni and read about a course I didn’t really know anything about, I immediately knew I wanted to do that course and not Journalism. I’m know registered fort hat course and just got an email that my introduction day is August 26, and I’m so so nervous for that. I’m not that good with people and making friends so it’s definitely a challenge for me.
I still don’t know if this course is what I want to do with my life and I’m absolutely scared to death that the same thing will happen and it just isn’t for me. But then again, I need to let go. I’m now starting to realise that this might not have been such a bad school year at all. Okay, I might have quit university and I lost quite a few really important people in my life, including my lovely aunt, who died of cancer on the 3rd of October last year. I’m still feeling really bad about that and I do have my weak moments sometimes, but I’ve learnt how to deal with it and am slowly starting to feel a little bit more positive. After all, I got my license this year (which wouldn’t have happened if I had continued with university) and as per next week, I’ll (hopefully) be a qualified beautician. I’ve earned money this year, more than I have ever earned, and have been able to treat myself a lot whilst still saving quite a lot of money. And I’m thankful. Thankful that the tuition fees aren’t that high in Belgium or Holland (where I studied and plan on studying in September) and me or my family doesn’t have any debts.
This was such a rambly post and it feels really chaotic, but my mind can be quite disorganised sometimes. I was hesitating whether I would post this or not since I know quite a few people who read this blog, but after all this is my own little space on the internet. Writing just makes me feel so much better about things and also helps to put things in perspective. A lot.
In retrospect, this year hasn’t been that bad at all. I might have felt like a total disappointment, but my confidence grew and I learned to be thankful for so much things in my life. I’ve grown as a person.
Since I don’t have any pictures to accompany this post and I don’t like having posts that don’t have a picture, I just put in some Instagram snaps of this week. Nothing much ahs happened, except that I went out for dinner three (!) times. Once with my grandma and twice with my parents and little brother. I went shopping (which had been long overdue!), worked and passed the first part of my beauty therapy course (including the much-dreaded theory part!), and I’m so proud of myself for doing so! I also picked up Marc Jacobs’ new Honey perfume last week and I’ve been wearing it ever since. I do know own almost every Marc Jacobs perfume and I’m not even sorry.Sorry for such a rambly and long post! What have you been up to this week?